Talk Title
Love as a Promise: Becoming Wiser in the Relationships That Shape Us
[Opening – 2–3 minutes]
Hi everyone,
Let me start with a question:
What does it mean to fall in love?
Is it a feeling? A spark? A connection? An phenomenal upheaval?
Most of us grow up believing that love is something that happens to us — like an accident of the heart. One day, we’re walking around, minding our business, meeting someone and and bam — we’re in love.
But here’s the challenge: if we can fall into love... we can also fall out of it. Okay, it is a lot of fiction, but…
Today, I want to suggest something different. What if the deepest kind of love — the love we actually want — isn’t just something we may fall into, but something we also build?

What if love is a promise?

[Section 1 – The Illusion of Infatuation – 5 minutes]
There’s a 19th-century French writer named Stendhal who described falling in love in a way I’ve never forgotten. He called it crystallisation.
Imagine you throw a twig into a salt mine. After a few days, the branch comes out covered in glittering crystals. It looks like a jewel, but at its core — it’s still just a stick.
That, Stendhal said, is how infatuation works. We meet someone, and we start projecting. We don’t see who they truly are — we see who we want them to be.
Sound familiar?
In your own life, have you ever liked someone and started imagining everything about them was amazing? You convinced yourself they were deep, wise, funny — even when they weren’t. That’s crystallisation. And it can catch off guard, take by surprise, you are blindsided.
But Stendhal also hints at something deeper: we’re not foolish for falling in love. It naturally may happen because we’re human. We long for connection. We want to be known and cherished. Chemistry happens. The question isn’t whether we’ll fall in love. The question is — can we love with our eyes open?

[Section 2 – The Chemistry of Similarity, Difference, and Resonance – 5 minutes]
When love first hits, it is not in response to just anyone. Love is always for a particular person and their particular features. Sometimes these qualities are easy to describe; sometimes they seem inarticulable.

Truth is, there are always similarities and differences in the nature, character, and disposition of two prospective mates. Similarities help create a certain familiarity and comfort in the relationship for the two, while differences or complementaries lend themselves to surprise and excitement while also making room for enchantment and surrender. Therefore, appreciate not only similarities but also differences.

It is vital that two mates resonate with each other naturally on a few of the primary channels of mutual encounter. Be these channels one of faith, or goals, or erotics, or identity, etc. Liking each other on affective channels is a prerequisite of good marriages. Arranged marriages can easily miss out on that as parental interests may interfer. But liking each other by itself is not enough for a relationship to survive the many ups and downs of life.

[Section 3 – Seeing Clearly, Loving Truly – 7 minutes]
Here’s where our religious tradition offers a gift.
In many spiritual paths — especially in Christianity — lasting love isn’t just a passion, an emotion, or liking. It’s also requiring choice. A promise. The Bible describes love not as a high, but as a practice. Think of this verse from 1 Corinthians:
“Love is patient, love is kind… It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
Does that sound like infatuation? Or like something stronger?
Love as a promise means we commit to another liked person not because they’re perfect, but because we see them honestly — and choose to walk beside them. That’s what any lasting relationship harbors. Not a prison. Not a fairy tale. A journey of two people choosing each other again and again.
Now, that doesn’t mean lasting relationships ignore vital emotions. Of course, love should feel beautiful, exciting, even passionate. But when the passions diminish a bit — and they will—what remains? That’s where promise matters most.

[Section 4 – Discernment and Growth – 6 minutes]
So, how do we get there? How do we love like this?
First, we need discernment—the ability to see clearly.
Ask yourself:
●	What draws me to this person?

●	Am I looking for someone to complete me — or someone to grow with me?

●	Am I drawn to their character, or just their charm?

Love that lasts is built on shared values — integrity, kindness, honesty, playfulness, even things as functional as purpose and goals.
Second, we have to know our own ‘soul.’ You can’t promise love if you hardly know who you are and what you’re promising. Take time to reflect. Journal. Pray. Talk to trusted mentors.
Ask: Am I becoming the kind of person worthy of someone’s loving interests?
Third, look for love in the ordinary. A lot of us are chasing ‘4th of July fireworks’ — the big feelings. But real love is built in many small moments or handheld sparklers:
●	The friend who checks in when you’re low.

●	The person who apologizes when they mess up.

●	The partner who shows up, not just once, but consistently.

Love isn’t about finding someone perfect. It’s about finding someone who’s real, and willing to grow.

[Section 5 – Love Is a Sacred Promise – 5 minutes]
In faith, we talk about covenant — a sacred promise between people, and between people and God.
That’s what love can be: a promise we make and renew, every day. A choice to show up when it’s hard. To forgive. To ask. To learn. To see, and still stay.
Think of the people you admire in life — your parents, grandparents, mentors. If they’ve experienced lasting love, ask them what kept it alive. Almost always, the answer won’t be chemistry alone. They’ll also be mentioning commitment.
Love as a promise means we believe something radical: that with God’s help, two imperfect people can grow toward something eternal.

[Closing – 2–3 minutes]
So, to all of you who are wondering if lasting love is possible — 
Yes, it is.
But it’s not found in a perfect person. It’s built with open eyes, open hearts, and a willingness to promise — and keep promising.
My challenge to you is simple:
Don’t settle for love that just happens. Live for love that you can promise.
Thank you.