Of Love As A Promise

Need To Know

What if love isn’t just something that happens to you, but also something you build with intention, courage, and truth? In an age when emotions are fleeting and dating apps blur romance into swipes, young people are left asking: How do I know who is truly worth loving? How can I make my love last?

The French writer Stendhal, known for his reflections on romantic passion, warned that we often confuse the rush of desire with something deeper. His concept of crystallisation — how we project ideal qualities onto a beloved—helps us see why so many relationships begin in a glow of hope but end in disappointment. But what if there’s another way? A wiser way?

This essay explores how we can move from infatuation to resonance and to a mature, sustaining love by reimagining love not merely as a feeling but as a promise. Rooted in both psychology and religious wisdom, this kind of love invites us to not linger at pleasure and passion, but to continue into something more enduring: a journey of shared growth, truth-telling, and sacred trust.

The Drama of Desire: Why Love Feels So Risky

Falling in love feels like magic. At first. But the very word “falling” suggests a loss of control — and for many, the emotional upheaval is just an inevitable initial high. Adolescents and young adults, driven by intensity and yearning, often find themselves chasing an ideal. What starts as a spark becomes a flame — yet sometimes, the fire consumes more than it warms.

Stendhal, in his 1822 book On Love, described this phenomenon with the metaphor of crystallisation. Imagine tossing a twig into a salt mine; over time, the salt crystals coat the branch until it sparkles with imagined beauty. This, he says, is what happens when we fall in love: we “crystallise” our beloved, attributing virtues and purity that may not truly exist. We fall in love with an illusion of our own making.

Yet this romantic love isn’t simply foolishness; it’s a deeply human trait. As social creatures, we long for connection, belonging, and admiration. Adolescents especially crave affirmation as they seek identity. But the risk is clear: if love is built only on desire and passion, that is, fantasy, it cannot last.

Still, this does not mean that lasting love is a myth. It means that love must be something more than just desire and passion, although love cannot be kindled and grow without mutually resonating desire and passion.

Resonance: The Chemistry of Love

Similarities and differences in character traits and behavioral dispositions of two prospective mates underlie their relationship. Similarities help create a certain familiarity and comfort, while differences — some of which may be complementary, e.g. male/female — lend themselves to surprise and excitement while also setting the stage for enchantment and surrender. Therefore, appreciate not only safe similarities but also tension-giving differences — even though they can be difficult to manage at times.

Two mates must resonate with each other in their differences on at least a few of the primary currents or channels of mutual encounter. Be these channels one of faith, or goals, or erotics, or identity, etc. Liking each other, especially over affective instead of mere cognitive channels, is a must for good, lasting marriages.

Beyond the Rush: Love as a Moral Awakening

To love wisely is to love with your eyes open — not blindly. This doesn’t mean sterilizing emotion or approaching relationships like a science experiment. It means developing the moral courage to see a person clearly and to be seen.

In religious traditions — particularly within Christianity, Judaism, and Islam — love is not just a private emotion but a relational promise. Consider the words of 1 Corinthians 13, often quoted but rarely practiced: “Love is patient, love is kind… It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” This is love as covenant: deliberate, self-giving, and enduring.

Love as a promise is rooted in a deeper idea: that human beings are not just sources of pleasure, but sacred counterparts in the moral journey of life. To promise love is to say, “I will be here — not only when it is easy, but when it is difficult. Not only when I feel passion, but when I choose faithfulness.”

This kind of love doesn’t deny desire and passion; it sanctifies them.

Seeing Clearly: Discernment in an Age of Illusions

How, then, do you learn to love like this?

It begins with discernment — a word used in both spiritual and psychological traditions. Discernment is the practice of attentiveness: noticing not only what draws you to a person, but why. Are you seeking validation, control, escape? Or are you drawn to someone’s character — their honesty, kindness, courage, resilience?

Stendhal noted that in the early stages of love, we see only what we want to see. Religious wisdom reminds us that true love begins when we learn to see the soul — not just the sparkle.

To grow in discernment, we must also reflect on our own capacity to love. Are we trustworthy? Are we seeking a partner to complete us, or to walk with us toward a shared purpose? Lasting love doesn’t emerge from emptiness — it flourishes when two people bring their whole selves, their vulnerabilities and values, into a common life.

This is why so many religious traditions emphasize intentional courtship over casual dating. It’s not about control or repression; it’s about creating space for honesty, depth, and clarity.

The Sacred Ordinary: Love as Daily Promise

Too often, love stories end where they should begin: at the wedding, or the first “I love you.” But the real story of love unfolds in the everyday moments — when we choose to be present, to forgive, to stay.

To love as a promise is not to guarantee perfection. It is to renew a choice: I choose you again. I choose truth again. I choose growth again.

In religious language, this is a covenant. Not a contract based on performance, but a vow based on trust. And in many ways, this is the kind of love we all long for: a love that sees us not only in our beauty, but also in our failure — and stays.

Stendhal, despite his skepticism, glimpsed this when he wrote: “Love is like a fever which comes and goes quite independently of the will… but the will is what keeps it alive.” Religious love is that will, made sacred. It is the choice to believe that with God’s grace, two imperfect people can build something eternal.

What To Do

Practice seeing clearly. Ask yourself not only what you feel but why you feel it. What do you admire in the person you love? Are they growing in virtue, or just attractive to your imagination?

Know your own soul. A promise cannot be made by someone who doesn’t know what they want. Spend time in solitude, prayer, or journaling to understand your own desires, wounds, and hopes.

Talk about values early. Don’t wait until it’s “serious” to discuss your beliefs, goals, and sense of purpose. Lasting love is built on ‘chemistry’ as well as shared direction.

Define love as a verb, not a vibe. Feelings fluctuate, but actions speak. Look for patterns of trustworthiness, kindness, and sacrifice — both in yourself and others.

Embrace the ordinary. Love as a promise is shown in small moments: the kind text, the willingness to apologize, the daily support. Don’t underestimate these.

Surround yourself with wise people. Talk with mentors, elders, or trusted friends who have lived through real love. Ask them what kept their promises alive.

Reframe breakups as growth. Not all love leads to permanence. But every relationship, even the painful ones, can be a teacher — if you choose to learn.

6 Key Points

1. Stendhal’s concept of crystallisation explains how we fall in love with illusions, not people.

2. Religious, faith-based love reframes love as a sacred promise, not just a feeling.

3. Mutuality, reciprocity, and resonance are the foundational elements making lasting love possible in the first place.

4. Discernment — seeing clearly — is key to finding and being a trustworthy partner.

5. Real love grows in the ordinary, through commitment, presence, and forgiveness. This love becomes true when it lasts.

6. Adolescents and young adults can develop relational wisdom through reflection, mentorship, and spiritual grounding.

Links & Books

Downloads:

Talk Outline: Love As A Promise
If you do the talking in front of an audience, this tailored outline will make a difference for you.

Books:

• On Love by Stendhal – A classic exploration of passion, illusion, and the nature of romantic desire.
• Love and Responsibility by Karol Wojtyła (Pope John Paul II) – A profound look at sexual ethics, human dignity, and love as moral choice.
• The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy Keller – A modern Christian reflection on commitment and spiritual friendship.

Scripture & Theology:

• 1 Corinthians 13 – A biblical meditation on the enduring qualities of love.
• Song of Songs – A poetic celebration of love, longing, and union.
• Genesis 2:24 – The foundational vision of marital union: “They shall become one flesh.”

Articles:

• “It’s Possible to Become Wiser in Who You Entrust With Your Love” – Psyche.co essay exploring how we learn from failed romance.

Links:

truelove.singles – an Internet resource for all things true love.